To continue this string of holidays, special days, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, and take overs, I remember yet another thing that happened on my last birthday while I was still married and I knew nothing about his plans to get a divorce.
“I had longed to be a butterfly, and I was one at last. I attended private parties in sumptuous evening dress, simpered and aired my graces like a born beau, and polkaed and schoisched with a step peculiar to myself – and the kangaroo.” ~ Mark Twain
And talking about parties, I am so glad my daughter is not aware of some things that go around her. But I do not know how much longer she will continue to do so. In fact, she is very aware of many things going around, only that because of her being autistic, she does not say anything about them, yet. But as she gets older, it won’t be as easy for her father to hide things from me. And she will start to express her likes and dislikes better and clearer than now, as she is still very young and non-verbal.
It is like a dam got open and nothing can stop the water coming through. The last days, lots of memories have been popping their heads from the cementery were I had buried them long time ago. I guess they were not that dead after all.
… is no true king.
~ Tywin Lannister to King Joffrey Baratheon (Game of Thrones).
I don’t watch Game of Thrones, neither I have read the books. However, I have read enough and watched many YouTube videos, making it possible for me to be familiar enough with many characters and general storylines. I have come to the conclusion that several characters could be considered narcissists, sadistic, or even sociopaths, young king Joffrey being one of those.
Just when I thought I had faced it all when it came to gaslighting, I realized another form of gaslight the other night: Through my very own daughter.
My daughter has been sick all week, which is the reason why I’ve been quiet. I had to skip work and take care of her. My daughter being sick reminded me of how my husband acted with me when I was confined to bed due to a back injury.
I’m a little amazed at how things are slowly coming back to me, things that I had completely forgotten about and buried them, not wanting to remember. I think it was a way of protecting myself from more pain and from reliving some unhappy moments.
Saying that I ignored the signs is actually not quite fair. Ignoring the signs implies that you have previous knowledge of them and the consequences you’ll face and risks you’ll take by not abiding by them. For example, running through a red light at an intersection. You could get caught by a traffic camera, if any, pulled over by a police officer, get in a car accident, or in the worst case even die. But if you come from another country where there are no traffic lights at all, you may not understand what they are or their puspose.
I’m amazed, for a lack of a better word, at how much a narcissist will twist and turn reality in an effort to preserve their false image. I don’t think they ever consider or think about the real consequences of what they do or say. I’m not sure they realize that eventually the truth comes out and the pack of lies and finger-pointing will just damage that beloved image even worse.
First time I heard about the grey rock method I thought that was a good tool that I needed to master. Unfortunately, I guess I’m a little bit of a hot-head due to my Italian gens. Therefore, sometimes I go from grey rock to red molten lava. It is actually hard for me to go and stay grey rock sometimes. Narcissists can really put you through the test.
Where to begin? I can attest to the fact that my body suffered every single one of the things in the image above. The first step was not to share. I was feeling so out of it, that I was losing my mind, that something was wrong with me that I couldn’t figure out how to make my marriage work.
A narcissist will do everything and anything in order to preserve the False Self, even at the expense of the people who are supposed to be important to them and loved by them. If you know anything about NPD, then you already know that they are incapable of loving. Therefore, that first statement I made about the people they loved is not quite right.
Find below a 17-minute documentary on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, by Richard Grannon from Spartan Life Coach. In Richard’s words:
My mother-in-law is a narcissist, as well. While I can now say that and put a name to what she is, I didn’t know before. However, I always knew that she was kind of spoiled, self-centered, and selfish. She always uses double-messages and basically tries to make you feel guilty, all the while posing as a charming, kindhearted woman.