To continue this string of holidays, special days, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, and take overs, I remember yet another thing that happened on my last birthday while I was still married and I knew nothing about his plans to get a divorce.
It is like a dam got open and nothing can stop the water coming through. The last days, lots of memories have been popping their heads from the cementery were I had buried them long time ago. I guess they were not that dead after all.
“I grew to understand that people don’t always build walls to keep others out. There are times when it is done out of necessity to protect whatever is left within.”
It never stops to amaze me how much we bury in our memories in an effort to cope and survive our relationship with the narc in our lives.
“The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.” ~ Albert Einstein
This week is the 5th anniversary of my becoming a U.S. citizen. This anniversary did not come on times of peace and understanding. It is quite a different world from when I first arrived to the United States. Those were the days of relative peace. Everybody went by minding their own business. A few months later, the world and especially this country was turned upside down when airplanes became weapons.
“Nobody can be kinder than the narcissist while you react to life in his own terms.”
~ Elizabeth Bower (Irish Novelist – 1899-1973)
No other day of the year is a bigger trigger for me than Mother’s Day.
“I imagine everyone wears layered masks, and parades around a variety or panoply of false selves depending on the occasion.” ~ Wendy Hoffman
I never thought that a so-called reality-TV show would provide a great opportunity to show someone how some of the abuse in my marriage took place.
“It’s the way you ride the trails that counts.” ~ Dale Evans
It’s been two weeks now that I have been back at my place. I’m exhausted. I think it’s a combination of this sort of relief feeling and that I have kept myself very busy at the same time. And with a more relaxed feeling, many memories have started to come back, bringing back feelings that I thought were buried forever.
I had the best Mother’s Day ever!!! I spent it “mothering.” And I loved every minute of it!! Even though this was supposed to be my third Mother’s Day, in reality, this was my very first one.
My daughter has been sick all week, which is the reason why I’ve been quiet. I had to skip work and take care of her. My daughter being sick reminded me of how my husband acted with me when I was confined to bed due to a back injury.
Saying that I ignored the signs is actually not quite fair. Ignoring the signs implies that you have previous knowledge of them and the consequences you’ll face and risks you’ll take by not abiding by them. For example, running through a red light at an intersection. You could get caught by a traffic camera, if any, pulled over by a police officer, get in a car accident, or in the worst case even die. But if you come from another country where there are no traffic lights at all, you may not understand what they are or their puspose.
One of the consequences of being with a narcissist is having nightmares. As a matter of fact, that’s part of having PTSD in many cases. One way or another, if you ask someone who has been abused by his or her partner, they may tell you that they had nightmares and very bad dreams frequently.
Where to begin? I can attest to the fact that my body suffered every single one of the things in the image above. The first step was not to share. I was feeling so out of it, that I was losing my mind, that something was wrong with me that I couldn’t figure out how to make my marriage work.
As I mentioned in my previous post about Lisa A. Romano’s video about life skills, I wanted to expand and talk about my own experience. I’ll once again list the five skills she talks about in here for your reference, as follows,