I’m only talking from my own experience. Always follow your attorney’s advise. With that said, I had read many blogs and fora about divorcing an individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and many survivors and victims out there are advising to avoid psychological evaluations at all cost. I wish I had that option. I did not. Ours was court-mandated. Mark my words: The narc will ace the evaluations.
I wish I could turn time back. I wish I had not tried so hard to make my husband happy. I would have not given in to therapy and so many other things. At the time, I thought he truly cared for me and that he was concerned for me. Now I know it was just part of the usual M.O. a narc has.
It was the peak of the “Gaslight Season” and I was having at least one anxiety attack episode a week. My husband had convinced me something was wrong with me. He had asked me to go to therapy, for him, he said. I caved in and I started therapy, for my anxiety attacks and in hopes that I would be given tools to better communicate with my husband. Soon after I started, I got pregnant with our daughter. I attended therapy all through the pregnancy and for some time after our daughter was born. I stopped going to therapy because I realized that it was not helping me and I found out on my own why I was having the anxiety attacks.
So far so good, right?
Well, one of the things they do in a custody case and when you are requested to undergo psychological evaluations is contacting your past and current therapists. If you do not cooperate and sign releases, you look uncooperative. You’re basically stuck. And that’s where part of the trap can be set up.
My former therapist told the court evaluator that I suffered from bipolar disorder. She completely failed to see what I was going through with my husband. On the other hand, my husband was able to present himself to that therapist as the loving husband I know he wasn’t at home. This made things worse for me.
The same happened now with the court psychologist. My husband was able to fool him and the tests. I had read in some articles that narcissists can do that; that they can fool those tests. Now I saw it happening with my own eyes. I came to the conclusion that they can do that because they truly believe certain things about themselves that they are not. Therefore, their answers fly with shining colours.
On top of that, he lied so much about me with his typical charming, “I’m such a good man and such a great catch” looks and way that it was almost impossible for me to give my own version of the facts without sounding defensive. Don’t get me wrong. I never raised my voice. I stayed composed. However, when there are so many made-up stories and lies mixed up with partial truths, it is difficult for anybody else to believe you.
The results of my tests described me as if I would be a controlling, narcissistic person. I know I’m not that. But who is going to believe me? The only one who seems to believe me is my attorney. Granted I am paying her. So that’s that. My friends believe me, too. But, is it going to be enough in court? My husband has been setting me up for a very long time. He has hired a Father’s Rights gun who is very good at his job. I honestly do not know what to do anymore. The only thing that I have in my advantage is that our autistic daughter responds a lot better to me than to her father and, even with all the negative reviews given by the psychologist, he recommended that she stayed with me a lot more hours a week than with her father.
Oh, by the way, I am now supposed to attend therapy. One thing is to do it on your own free will. That might end up not being the case and the court may require me to do so.
So here we are. As it turns out, I’m officially the narcissist, not the victim. Talk about secondary gaslight and being shamed and victimized all over again.
To close this post, the one thing that I would have done different was go to therapy behind my husband’s back and pay cash so he could not trace it. What would I have done once the court had asked me to disclose if I was going to therapy, I don’t know. You don’t want to lie to the court. But at this point, I feel that the whole thing is a sham. My husband has been lying left and right and he’s getting away with it while I am being the one portrayed as the liar, the controlling, and the impossible to deal with.
There’s no way to “win” with a narc. I wish I had not let my boundaries and limits go down. That way, I would have found out how he was early on and he would have not been able to take it. Do not give up your boundaries. Do not give up what you’re going to put up with and what you will or will not tolerate. Do not be selfish, but take care of yourself. Boundaries are something we need to build to protect ourselves. You loosen those for someone and, if they are a narcissist, they will continue to bury you deeper and deeper in a trap and they will destroy everything you once where or loved. Do not let that happen to you. My hope is that, by sharing what happened to me, I can prevent another person from ending up like me.