That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. I read in a few articles and other survivors’ blogs, as well as being told in person, that it gets worse with a narc once you’re battling through a divorce. And gosh! Weren’t they right!

I guess we survivors face different aspects and traits of narcissistic abuse. Whether covert or overt, certain things are common to all of us. However, some face projection more than any other trait. Other ones, gaslight. For other ones, it may be lies and insults. And yet other ones, like me, it is control.

In my particular case, it goes back and forth between gaslight and control, the latter being the more prevalent one. He’s been insatiable, him being my husband. It’s as if the whole divorce thing has given him fuel. He acts as if he were untouchable. His word is law. His version of an event should not be contradicted. His impressions are to be respected.

No matter what it is, his tool of choice to get at me: Yes, you guessed it, our daughter.

She’s now more than the Stanley Cup. She’s now a tool, a program, a method for manipulation and control. And my hands are tied. There’s not much I can do about it. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

You know, I sometimes feel that even criminals have more rights than me. They get to be told their Miranda Rights. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. “You have a right to remain silent. You have a right to an attorney. Everything you say shall be used in a court of law.” I know those are not the exact words. Nonetheless, I’m sure most people are familiar with them.

My husband has turned to Our Family Wizard (OFW) to send lengthy notes to me as another way to try to show to the court how awful of a wife and mother I am. They’re also full of off-topic comments and small word salads. He’s doing this in an effort to make me bite. He’s failing miserably since I keep on ignoring his remarks. Nevertheless, it doesn’t mean that I don’t doubt whether I should reply or not. For most part, I don’t. I prefer to follow the ‘Less is more‘ mentality when it comes to my narcissistic husband. Therefore, my notes are very to the point. I have only replied to one of his implications that was completely unrelated to the topic at hand. I had to, because otherwise, it could have been implicated that I was lying about something when I was not and I even had proof to support my side of the story.

All of these are coming at a very high price for me. I’m getting tired, which is exactly what he wants. I have to make a great conscious effort not to blow up at him.

As a result, I have been taking my anger and frustration to other areas of my life. I have been working the yard at my mom’s. I’ve been pruning, trimming, thinning, and removing bushes, pines, and trees like crazy. It was needed, indeed. However, I think I might have taken it a little too far. But my mom seems happy with my efforts. She always said that I had a green thumb while she only has The Thumb of Death, as she calls it: Everything she touches dies. Her words, not mine.

I have been making excellent progress with a complicated project at work. I’m several weeks ahead of schedule.

I have completed other long-overdue projects at my mom’s.

For several weeks, I had felt nothing towards my husband. Love had been dead for a very long time by now. No hate, either. No anger. Nothing. Zip. Nada. Complete indifference. And I was proud of myself. There’s nothing that the narc hates more than indifference. But…

Since my daughter’s diagnosis, rage has made itself comfortable in my soul once again. I have been able to keep it at bay while at work or when going about. But not at home with my mom.

My poor mother. She’s been extremely emotional lately and I can’t blame her. But because of her difficulties to handle her own emotions, she takes it on me for most part. She doesn’t do it on purpose. It just happens.

Unfortunately, I have been reacting very poorly when she gets upset at me. We have had a few explosive arguments. I had to go back to my Days Counter and reset more than once an entry I have in there for blowing up in the last couple of weeks. I was so proud of my record of 40 something days. Now I can barely make it pass a week without blowing up at her.

I think it is getting better. We had a conversation the other day. She confessed to me that she never liked my husband, not even when we were dating. This was not necessarily new to me. She had already said that she didn’t like him to me before, right after I got served. However, this time she took it a step forward and added that she in fact hated him and now more than ever.

It didn’t come as a surprise. I think I always knew this. She then added that she had thought about sharing these feelings with me when I told her we had gotten engaged. But she confessed that she never did because she was scared. I asked her of what and she said that I would just get mad at her and still go ahead and get married to prove a point. I pressed her for more, asking if it was that, or that she was scared I would just have a big fight with her and abandon her, to which she said yes. She was scared that we would fight and I would leave her behind.

I was not surprised about this, either. I always knew that my mom suffered from abandonment issues. And if anybody knows her well enough, they will not judge her since she does have very good reasons to feel that way.

What she said made me reflect about myself. I have done everything I did since the age of 17 to accomplish exactly the opposite: To help her feel that I would not abandon her. That I could be independent and still take care of her. It’s sad that I have never been able to reassure her. It didn’t matter. She was scared of me. My own mom. It made me feel bad about myself. The last thing I want my mom to feel is that her daughter will leave her behind.

I know that I can’t help her overcome her own insecurities and feelings. However, it still makes me feel that I have failed because I inspired her fear.

I guess I have to work on some aspects of my personality after all.

To those feelings, I also need to add the feelings towards my husband. I have been feeling this rage growing inside of me. I am getting scared because I am concerned I may not be able to control myself any longer. I’m scared I’m going to snap. And I don’t have that luxury. I don’t want to lose my daughter and I’m already feeling I am losing her and the battle.

It’s late. I’m exhausted. I’m starting to lose my line of thought. All I know is that I thought I was moving forward, only to realize that I still have a very long way to go in my recovery. I was not expecting it to be a highway. But it is a much more complicated and winding road than what I expected. I’m once again having problems forgiving myself for having fallen for him. I have been feeling stupid. I know that I shouldn’t feel that way about myself. Given the current circumstances, I can’t blame myself for feeling what I’m feeling.

On top of all of that, God. I thought I was finally getting somewhere, only to have to face more and more blows. I was so mad at Him a couple of days ago. I started to doubt. I started to tell myself that I didn’t believe in Him anymore. Believing. I guess I just can’t believe in anything right now. They keep on telling me things will get better, my faith will grow stronger, and that I won’t lose my daughter. I want to believe all of that. But when things keep happening, I just can’t.

I keep on telling myself ‘Don’t give up.‘ And I won’t. I just don’t know if I can handle the cost. All I want is my daughter, my mom, and for both of them to be okay.

I just want to sleep and wake up from this nightmare.

I just want to hug my daughter and feel that everything will be okay.

I just want a hug.

I want peace.

I want to go home.