Before I get to it, I want to say that this entry may be found triggering for some readers. I just want to warn you. I’m already in a dark place. I don’t want to drag other people there with me. So please, stop reading if you must. I encourage you to do so.
I’ve been having a series of bad days. I was fine for most part. But then things started to happen.
The results of the psychological evaluations are in. Because of how the law works in this state, I won’t get to have copies. However, the doctor shared them with me. At least mine and that of my daughter. I won’t get to see my husband’s.
My daughter has been diagnosed with Autism. Things are already difficult as they are with a narcissistic husband to now have to add this to the mix.
I can handle the diagnosis. I can handle my husband. I don’t think I am equipped to handle my husband trying to control everything related to her diagnosis.
After divorce, it can already be difficult enough handling things with a normal parent. It can be even more difficult with a narcissitic, abusive ex. And that’s with children without disabilities.
When it comes to children with disabilities, even the best of marriages can have difficulties. But since they’re generally in good terms and they respect each other and love each other, they forgive each other and keep moving forward.
In the middle of a divorce? From someone with NPD? Good luck.
People keep on telling me that everything will be fine. To have faith. To trust in God. Well… I don’t believe the first thing anymore. I was already struggling with the other two. And trusting… I don’t know.
Trust means to rely upon. How can you do that when things keep on getting more and more complicated? I once had a car I could rely on. I had it for almost 16 years. Not once it failed me. I just had to let it go because of rust and a body that started to look like a strainer. But the engine! It could have taken me to the tip of South America and back. I’m sure of that. It was a reliable car.
It sounds disrespectful to compare God with a car. But it is the only way that I can explain it at this particular time.
My mom said to me today that God could send me / us a miracle. Earlier today, a friend of mine said that we should pray for a miracle and that God changes my husband. Twice I heard the word miracle today. And twice I felt enraged by it.
I told my friend that while God is capable of producing miracles, this is NPD what we’re dealing with. My husband won’t change. He doesn’t want to change. He thinks he is perfect and does not need to change. That’s why we are where we are today.
I also told her that I had prayed long and hard for a miracle to save my marriage; to make it go back to how it was in the beginning. (Sounds familiar? Wanting to go back to the way things were during idealization.) I prayed for guidance. I went to see a priest for advise. Not only things didn’t improve: They got worse. Not only didn’t I find any guidance, the priest sent me straight back to the lion’s den.
I once again asked for forgiveness for wanting so much… or so I thought at the time. That I was selfish and ungrateful for not appreciating everything I had. (Yes, I was very deep in devaluation by then.) And I worked harder at supposedly improving myself so our marriage would get better.
Fast forward and then I had already found about NPD. Once again, I started to pray for a miracle to save my marriage or to get some indication of where to go or do about it. I shared this with my friend, as well. I prayed hard. I prayed novenas to St. Jude. I prayed to Mary, my Guardian Angel, St. Raphael the Archangel, and I can’t remember how many more intersessions I asked for. And that’s when I got served divorce papers.
So going back 10+ years or so to the present time, this is more or less what happened,
- I prayed to find a partner, a loving husband to grow old with and have a family with —> Only to find an abusive husband
- I prayed for a healthy baby before, during, and after my pregnancy, most especially to prevent her from having Autism –> Only for her to be diagnosed with Autism
- I prayed for a good attorney –> Only to have to fire him and even now with a much better one, I’m still dealing with the damage from my first attorney
- I prayed in gratitude for the employer I had and that I had a job while going through all of this –> Only for my employer to have to file for bankruptcy (I still have a job, though; but who knows for how long)
- I prayed that my mother did not suffer through this –> Only to see her age a lot in the months I’ve been dealing with this, to become depressed, fast to anger, extremely demanding and difficult to be around, especially in the last few weeks. My rock is gone. We argue at least twice a week these days.
- I prayed that I could handle this divorce financially –> Only to see both my excellent credit score and my savings of 12 years disappear.
On top of that, the oldest child of someone with whom I grew up lost his battle of 14 years to cancer. We all thought that he was finally getting better, only to pass away just like that. A moment he was doing so well, following day he was gone.
All of that makes you wonder. Why? I have spent the last weeks telling myself that God always has a better plan in mind for us. I saw that happening in my life before. Therefore, I didn’t have a reason to not trust that the same would happen. That this was just temporary; a stepping stone to that better plan.
But with everything that has been happening, because there’s more that I can share with you for legal reasons, I am now even looking at the things that happened in the past that I considered them good until a few days ago and I am not so sure they were that good after all. Because ultimately, those events brought me where I am today.
I don’t understand it. I had zero doubts when I walked down that aisle. I was very careful during my entire pregnancy. I worked hard at making him happy and improving myself for both our sakes and that of our marriage. I did everything in my power to give my mom peaceful and pleasant years at her current age. It all feels for nothing now.
I don’t want to pray anymore. I don’t know if I believe in God anymore. I know He hears me and I’m ashamed of thinking and feeling the way I do and saying the things I’m saying. But I just don’t get it.
I prayed, I had faith, I hoped. All those years. For what?
I was told more than once that God loves us unconditionally. But when you see a child suffering through cancer and to see that child taken away from his mother, until you find out that courts don’t give a damn for emotional abuse, that nobody believes you or what you had to go through, when a child is diagnosed with something and people are already looking weird at said child and you as if you had done something on purpose, when you see your abusive husband getting away with everything he wants and you have to be defending yourself from being accused about doing the very things he’s done to you, when the psychological evaluations don’t prove anything (as you suspected they would) and, in fact, complicate everything even more; when all that happens, how can you believe in God? Or justice? Or both?
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and all your soul.. How? Why? And if things do change and work for the better, how can He forgive me and the fact that I have wrote a blog entry like this one where I clearly feel it is not worth it to believe or try to believe anymore?
I have been wanting someone to just hug me and hold me and not say anything at all. Just hold me tight. Just let me feel things are going to be fine. That the best is yet to come and I want to believe it. No, more than wanting to that I do believe it. That I know it. Feel it.
I just want all of this to be over.
I am tired.
And I don’t have who to turn anymore. My support group only says It will get better. When?
God: Are you there? Can you tell me why all and any of this? I don’t want to lose my daughter. I don’t want my mom to suffer anymore. What do you want from me? Why do I have to keep living with him? Why did you allow me to fall for him? So I could grow where I needed to grow? But at that price? At the hands of an abuser? Was that necessary? They say that You allow us to make our choices. That You love us so much that You want us to make our own decisions and choices. But letting us get married to a person with NPD does not sound like a fair deal. It sounds deceitful. Because we really don’t know how he or she is. Why do You allow for cancer to exist, for people to abuse each other, for children to suffer? For abusers to do what they do?