Today at Mass, during the prayers, one was offered for families and marriages who are struggling. When I heard that, I felt this warm feeling in my heart, something I needed a lot today. Unfortunately, that was not the end of that particular intention. The lady went on to add ‘so there can be reconciliation and they can become a stronger family‘ and I don’t know what else she said because I stopped listening at those words.

I had been fighting my tears through all of Mass. I could no longer hold them when I heard that. It broke my heart because there’s no hope for reconciliation for some of us. In fact, it might even be dangerous to even try that for some couples.

I felt left out once again. A few seconds earlier, I felt gratitude for that prayer intention because they were talking about people like me. But, what about those of us for whom reconciliation is not an option at all? Do we don’t get to be prayed for? No intentions for us?

I feel like we need perhaps more prayers than those with a chance for reconciliation. Why? Because it will take us a lot longer to heal. It will take us a lot longer to accept what has happened to us. It may even take longer for us to recover hope and faith. It will take us a lot longer to heal, if we can even get to heal at all.

Therefore, who prays for us, in the community? Are we beyond any hope since we are headed for an inevitable divorce?

I guess then I’ll not keep trying to find comfort in the hands of the Church. I will go straight to the source, to the fountain. How did Jesus put it?

“Blessed are those who mourn: they shall be comforted.”

(Matthew 5:5)

Well, my heart is mourning. While I’m doing much better than several months ago, I still have my days when all I want to do is bury my face in a pillow and cry until I have no more tears left. And since I keep not finding peace at church, I’ll just have my conversations with God and Jesus and the Virgin Mary, instead. Directly with them. They already know what’s in my heart. Might as well just talk directly to them with no go-betweens.

Maybe it’s the area where I currently live. They don’t seem to have ministries for people going through what I’m going through. These families walk in and they have half a dozen kids and more on the way, looking seemingly perfect, like the family I wanted to have. It makes me feel out of place. Granted, I don’t know them and they may have problems of their own. But just seeing them reminds me of the other loss that comes with a narcissistic relationship: The loss of what it was never going to be.

Since nobody prayed for people in my situation today at Mass, I’d like to offer a prayer for them myself. If you’re struggling and you know there’s no salvation for your marriage due to abuse and everything we have to endure in our marriages, know that you’re not alone. Don’t feel like you’re less of a Catholic because we’re getting divorce. We were forced into it. None of us wanted it and we already tried very hard to save our marriages and relationships. You know that, I know that, God knows that. Find solace and comfort in this knowledge and hold your head up high. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Remember that Jesus surrounded Himself by thieves, burglars, prostitudes, and all kinds of sinners. He has not abandoned us, even if His church may not take us into consideration. He built His Church, but the Church is made up by imperfect humans. Not Him: He is perfect. Maybe we need to educate the Church, I don’t know. Either way, I don’t have the strength to take up that mission. Maybe once I’m done with the divorce and custody battle. But not now. All I can do at this point is try to seek Him and pray that He sends me His Holy Spirit so I don’t mess things up on my end.

I send you a big hug, even when I don’t know you.

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