What can be the farthest as possible from a gray rock than red molting lava? At least that’s how I call it for when I lose it. It hasn’t happened in a while, thanks to the accountability the Days Counter app gives me on a daily basis. (I keep an entry there for staying gray rock and another one for the last time I blew up on my husband.) But it almost happened yesterday evening.
I had to make a great effort not to lose it. How can they lie so evidently and think that they can get away with it? I’m going to spare you the details of what happened. The important things to point out are, as follows, 1) He lied to me; 2) He thinks I’m stupid and that I am not going to see through his lies.
I immediately became hyperactive. Usually, when I get mad at him, I start going around doing things. I once was so angry at him that I cleaned the entire place, even completing those tasks you do once in a while or as part of a season cleaning, and did so way into the wee hours of the early morning.
Now I try to refrain myself from doing those things, most especially because he knows I’m mad and I do not want to give him the satisfaction. Yesterday, I put some things away and then pretended I had forgotten something in my car. Therefore, I used that as an excuse to put some physical distance. Otherwise, I knew that just the sight of him was going to be enough to make me explode.
Eventually, I collected myself and went back inside. I kept on thinking that I didn’t want to restart my Days Counter entry for “Red Molting Lava.” It is interesting how something so simple can help overcome difficulties or trying situations.
So I was able to accomplish some things yesterday:
- I set a [physical] boundary. By removing myself from his presence, I set a limit, I protected myself, and, most importantly, I prevented him from getting the drama he craves.
- I was able to control my emotions.
- I did some growing.
- I once again realized that he cannot control me. He can only do so if I allow him to since I cannot control what he can do, but I can certainly control how I’m going to let it affect me.
I also felt that I may be healing after all. It might be a very slow process, but definitely moving in the right direction. It gives me hope for the future. I still have a long way to go. Nevertheless, it is something. And something is better than nothing, which is where I was for the longest time: A deep, dark nothingness. I don’t wish it on anyone.