When other survivors with children who had already gone through divorce told me to get ready because things were going to get worse during the divorce phase, I didn’t believe them. I wish I had.
The amount of twisting and gaslighting has exponentially grown, especially in the last 2 weeks. That’s why I’ve been so quiet. I had to deal with the blows sent my way. With my attorney’s help, I have been trying to make sense of it. The ridiculous accusatory letters my husband’s attorney has been sending are out of a bad soap opera. Unfortunately, we had to do something about them.
In the meantime, he keeps on playing good daddy and nice husband at home, expecting us to sit at the table for dinner, like a normal family would. I only sit at the table to make sure my daughter eats and it’s not treated as if she would be at boot camp. (For most part, I don’t eat at all and I usually get something before getting back.) My husband had turned into the “enforcer.” Since I had to comply with some of the ridiculous things he’s been doing, complying in an effort to present myself as cooperative and the opposite of what he has been accusing me of, it’s as if he now feels he’s winning and walks around as the all omnipotent god that he is not. He’s enjoying this, clearly. He finally has the attention he craves. The only thing he’s not getting is the fact that the attention he’s getting is coming at a high cost since he has to pay his attorney fees, among all the other things.
The worst part for me has been the fact that he’s accusing me of everything he is in fact doing to me. He says my control issues are outrageous. In fact, he’s the one who has gotten more controlling than what he already was pre-divorce. From money to time to resources, it doesn’t matter.
Now I’m supposed to “discuss” every time I need to take money out of the joint account and tell him for what purpose.
He wants me to reimburse him for all the money I habe been taking out to pay car insurance. (It doesn’t matter that for years, I had been paying for his health insurance, the car insurance, memberships to museums and other things from my own pocket. I never knce complained. And of course, how conveniently he forgot about all that and even denies it because he had to pay for my healthinsurance since our daughter was born, which is far fewer tears than the ones I paid.)
He says I don’t help with any of our daughter’s needs and that he’s been paying for everything, from food to clothes, books, toys, and medicine.
In truth, I have been the one paying for most of that, if not all. He pays for some food, but barely. He didn’t want to pay for our daughter’s medicines from when she got sick and ended up at the hospital. He right now doesn’t want to pay for the medical bills from the visit to the ER.
Some ther things that have been happening these past weeks are, as follows,
- My attorney had to subpoena his employer because he failed to submit paperwork regarding his income
- The judge ordered we start using Our Family Wizard since it’s impossible to get us to communicate (I’m already using it, but he has yet to sign up)
- My mother has been accused of not letting him have access to his daughter when she’s at my mom’s, which of course isn’t true (what happened was that he once showed up announced and my mom was not there, haven’t gone out with my daughter)
- I’ve been accused of locking myself and our daughter in the bedroom at night, not allowing him access to her in the mornings (another small incident taken out of proportion since I have always been scared of him accusing me of doing such thing and, as a consequence, I have never locked the door but somehow, one time it did get locked by itself and he tried to get in, unsuccessfully. So now it seems I always lock it, so he says.)
- He claims he spends over $1,000/month in food for all three of us. Then why do I have to buy my own food and a lot of food for our daughter to be left at my mom’s so she can feed her while watching her? Oh, and I don’t even spend that much a month. I use my preferred supermarket credit card to pay for groceries, fuel, medicines, cleaning supplies, the occasional toy or book, and a few other household items for my mom, myself, and my daughter and I barely spend $700/month, and if I do.
- My daughter is delayed with her speech. Apparently, my mom and I caused it. (I guess both him and his attorney are doctors now.) Then where was he when I was trying to teach sign language to our daughter? And all of a sudden he is concerned? Now? After filing for divorce? What about before? Oh, that’s right!!! I was controlling him and didn’t allow him to intervene, I guess.
- I don’t let him spend quality time with our daughter and wants me to designate days and times for him to play and spend time with her. The latter will be set up when custody is decided, I presume, not now that we’re still living together. Coming up with a schedule now is ridiculous. And second, then why does he take naps, read books, is on the computer when he’s supposed to be playing with her? (And I have plenty of pictures to prove it.)
The list goes on. All I know is that I’m glad I’ve been taking pictures and documenting things because I was about to give up doing so and now I had to use some of that.
Indeed, going through a divorce is bad enough. Going through a divorce from a narcissist is like being on trial for a series of crimes you never committed. In fact, you’re in trial for the very things your narc did, does, and will do to you. Worst of all, you have no proof of his doings for most part. It’s your word against his or her. And now an evaluator and the judge will decide who gets to keep our daughter. Needless to say, I’m terrified and there’s not much I can do about it.