I have been quite for a while now. I honestly have too much going on and too much to say and too little at the same time. I feel very overwhelmed by everything that is going on. I feel like I’m being attacked from all angles and I cannot catch up or defend myself.
My husband is using our daughter to get at me and he’s succeeding to some degree. The most unfortunate part is that he’s using it in court. He’s taking things out of context and my attorney has to come up and defend me. He’s trying to make me look like an unfit, negligent mother. And the more I try to defend myself, the more that I feel I’m projecting the image of an unstable person, which I’m not.
I have been told that divorce is difficult by itself, but it’s like a world war with a narcissist. I think that doesn’t truly describe it. It’s worse.
It is difficult to find hope when you’re going through this, when you know what it’s true but you can’t prove it. I need to find strength from where I no longer have it. If it weren’t for my daughter, I would have probably given up already. I’m tired, I’m exhausted, I’m disgusted, and I once again feel like the tiny light at the end of the tunnel that started to shine a few months ago is dimming once again.
I know I can’t give him that; I can’t give him the pleasure of seeing me defeated. But at what cost? My attorney said that we’re going to be lucky if this is resolved by the end of the year. I don’t think I can take another day like this, having to live under his roof because we cannot come to an agreement concerning our daughter. And until that happens, I cannot move out.
I feel that I have no more control over anything. I have the state, the courts, attorneys, and other people making decisions for me; everybody but me. I hate this situation and I didn’t ask for it. Meanwhile, my husband seems to be enjoying every bit of it. He doesn’t care for our daughter. He doesn’t care how his actions may affect her now or in the future. All he cares about is winning. It’s like a game to him.
I shouldn’t be surprised. He never cared for anybody or anything but himself. As I’m writing this, it’s that time of the day again when I have to start heading “home” from work and I’m feeling sick to my stomach, like I do every day. And I say “home” like that because that’s not home. That’s hell.
If this is supposed to make me stronger, I feel like I’m failing miserably at it. I don’t feel stronger. I feel weaker. They keep on telling me not to lose faith in God and to trust Him. But I feel that I’m losing that and that I had stopped trusting Him long time ago. I feel I turned my back on Him long time ago. So why would He help me now? What right do I have to turn back to Him when I turned my back to Him long time ago? How convenient to return to Him when I’m in trouble. It doesn’t sound right.
I’m tired. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. I want someone to tell me it’s going to be alright. And while I do have people saying that to me as we speak, I don’t feel it’s going to be alright. I’m scared. As a matter of fact, I’m terrified. I’m terrified of losing my daughter, my health, my future. It would be so easy to just give up and a part of me refuses to do so. But I don’t feel I can go on fighting anymore. I just want to disappear. I just want to go somewhere far and start over. But I can’t. I have my daughter to think about. If I give up, what kind of teaching I would be giving her? That her mother gave up on her? That when things get difficult it’s just easier to not fight anymore? No, that’s not right. I need to be strong. I need to be stronger. I need to find my strength again. I just don’t know where to find it. And I feel so alone in this fight.
Divorce is a bad thing as it is. Divorce from a narcissist is like dying one piece at a time and very slowly.