I’m amazed, for a lack of a better word, at how much a narcissist will twist and turn reality in an effort to preserve their false image. I don’t think they ever consider or think about the real consequences of what they do or say. I’m not sure they realize that eventually the truth comes out and the pack of lies and finger-pointing will just damage that beloved image even worse.
A lady in one of the fora for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) survivors I belong to was sharing with the rest of us how her husband was going to jail and he was basically making her responsible if he would, in fact, end up in jail. He was resourcing to blaming, finger-pointing, projecting, not taking responsibility for his actions, giving her guilt trips, asking her for money to be bailed out, and the list goes on. In a nutshell, he was telling her that his being in that position and maybe not coming out of it was and was going to be her fault.
Blaming others and even trivial things for their suppose and actual failures and demise is a typical narcissistic trait. My husband was and is never to be blamed for anything that has happened, happens, or will happen to him. I do not know if his mother was one of those who would run to the school and blame the teacher for his misconduct and wrongdoings. If she did, then I wouldn’t be surprised. It seems to me that, at times, many narc mothers and mothers of narcs treat their children as golden boys or girls and will blame everybody and everything else, but not force the child to look at what he or she has done or failed to do and encourage them to think about their actions and consequences. Instead, they end up teaching them that is never their fault, more than with words, with explicit actions, such as going to the school and blaming the teacher for assigning too much homework or testing the child on some subject that the parent deems unfit for the child. It doesn’t matter that the entire nation is teaching the same thing for kids that age It doesn’t matter that the child decided to watch TV instead of doing his or her homework. Nope. It’s the teachers fault that the grades are slipping. Fast forward to adulthood and that child is still waiting for mommy or someone else to rescue him or her.
The list of things my husband says are not or were not his fault is long and keeps on growing by the day. But here are the award-deserving ones.
The ledger and the books were cooked. He owned a franchise at some point. He borrowed money from daddy and mommy to buy the business from someone else. Once he was on board, all of a sudden, the books are telling a different story. Then it was the suppliers failing to deliver on time; 9/11; winter; headquarters allowing for another franchise to open in the same city; headquarters forcing him to raise prices and drop certain products; an employee stealing products from him; and so many other factors that, he says, played against him and promoted his failure. What he will not mention to you is that he didn’t promote his business enough. He didn’t work hard enough (actually, he will portrait himself as such a hard-working person while he was there; however, if you pay attention to the underlying aspects of the story, you can tell that he never really worked that hard and he was very inefficient in the way he operated the franchise. He was doomed for failure from the beginning because narcs are lazy and they do not make use of their time efficiently.
A side note. Almost 15 years later, he’s still paying his parents back and owes a good $30,000. In the meantime, my needs and those of our daughter’s were not being met. I had to go back to working full-time to cover our basic needs. But the one thing that upsets me the most is that his mother cannot and will not say ‘no’ to him. I would have never emptied my retirement savings to help an adult child of mine. He was over 30 when he asked for loans from banks and kept getting turned down. So his parents offered him the money. If you want to teach your child to be resourceful, saying ‘no’ and not offering them the things they can get for themselves is the best lesson you could give them.
He’s still like that. He got turned out for loans and mortgages many times and he would insist and fight with the banks to get approved. But the banks were at fault, you know? Not him and his credit, or lack thereof.
The Navy reduced the ROTC quota and budget; therefore, he got kicked out of the program. That’s his excuse for not staying in the ROTC program. However, if he’s not paying attention, he may slip that he needed a GPA of 3.0 or something along those lines, and his was closer to 2.5, instead. So he got kicked out. But it’s the government’s fault, the U.S. Navy fault, the school’s fault, the Sargent’s fault, or whoever else.
The other sales person stole his lead and sale opportunity. What he won’t tell you is that he failed to get back to the customer for weeks and they got tired and contacted the other sales representative in the state, even when he is not supposed to do business in my husband’s territory.
The customer said that he or she was going to meet with him and then didn’t show up. What he won’t tell you is that he never actually spoke with the customer on the phone. He kept messages saying that he was going their way and just showed up, never getting confirmation that the customer was going to be waiting for him. But the customer is at fault for “having lied” to him.
The teacher’s union forced him to step down as coach. Yes, every single one of the coaching positions he held ended up like this, but for one. Actually, two. I’ll get back to that. While it is true that at high schools in our state give priority to teachers who want to become coaches over coaches who are not teachers at the school, they won’t just remove a coach just because. But every time he failed as a coach, it was some teacher who pulled the rug from under his feet or some Assistant Coach who was undermining his program and telling the kids to do workouts differently, Etc.
What he won’t mention is that he didn’t want to follow the Athletics Director’s (A.D.) instructions, he would fail to attend required meetings and conferences, might have spoken in his usual stuck-up attitude that genuinely hurt some kid’s feelings and it may have been slightly inappropriate for a coach and someone who is supposed to be a role model. He won’t mention that he was always late for practice, messed up with meets and schedules, would forget the equipment, even worse, would not follow the school instructions for picking up the students or making sure that they would not stay on school grounds without supervision, his supervision. And finally, he would not meet the goals set up for the sport by the A.D.
On one of the other occasions when he was laid off from those coaching positions, he was accused of sexual impropriety with a minor of the opposite sex (they were never able to prove it and supposedly, the girl recounted her version of the story; what I’m guessing actually happened was that, being the mastermind manipulator he is and the way he turns one’s words against oneself, he probably changed the story so much and so many times and in such a convincing way that the student gave up.) The last coaching gig he had, he quit and blames it on me and my giving birth to our daughter. In actuality, he was doing so bad that they were already looking for a replacement. He quit when he probably saw it coming and used me and our daughter as the excuse to get out and beat the director to it. Narcissists hate to be discarded. They want to be the one doing the discard, not the other way around.
His boss was out to get him. He was the only person who got “laid off” towards the end of his first year at a major corporation. (By the way, that is the one and only corporate job he ever had. He cannot work in an office environment, probably because his act would be called out and because he’s incapable of sticking to schedules and meetings and minutes that can prove that what he said it’s not true.)
He was responsible for managing customer accounts and bringing in more business. He didn’t meet his quota and he got laid off. More like fired. But he uses the laid off word and says it was due to cuts. He also adds that his boss, a female boss, was out to get him and that she had problems with men in general.
His web site business failed because of the minister’s son who built the church’s web site. In the times when web sites were very simple and most people have not even heard about FrontPage, he started a web-design business. Now, this is a person with absolutely no experience in Information Technology. Anyway, he blames the failure of his business to this one deal he was working on that he was supposedly going to build a web site for some church and the pastor decided to give the project to his own son, free of charge, by the way.
Now, big business may fail for trying to close a deal of several millions dollars and because they took a huge gamble. But a small web-site building business cannot fail because of one failed project. As an owner of a small business myself, I know first-hand that, for most part and in the early stages of your business, you have to rely on a lot of small projects to stay afloat. Just one small work cannot kill your business. In fact, a series of small failed opportunities will, as well as mismanagement of overhead and expenses, among other things.
The bid was supposed to be awarded to him, but the woman in charge of receiving them didn’t want to take his proposal package. If you know anything about bids, then you know that there is usually a deadline. You have to submit your bid before a certain date and time. If the closing time is 5:00 PM and you show up at 5:01 PM, if the employee refuses to take the package, well, you’re at fault, even if it’s for one minute. The employee cannot take bids after closing time. That’s the way it is.
He would make a scene and ask for the bid to be accepted. He would say things like “But the pile was there! All she had to do was put mine on it. And I was supposed to get this deal and now she’s going to make me lose the opportunity.”
My replies would be along the lines of “How long did you know this was the deadline? Why didn’t you submit it any earlier and waited to the last minute to do so? What were you doing that you were not able to get there on time?” Questions like those.
His answers were always around the lines of:
- “A customer called me and I had to take the phone call” – My suggestion for that would be: “You could have either tell your customer that you were out the door and you were going to call him at a later time, or you could have taken the call from the car.” His answers to that would be: “I have been trying to contact him/her for weeks. I had to take the call.”
- “Traffic was bad.” Traffic in our state is always bad, especially during wintertime and in summertime with road construction everywhere. Leave earlier and plan accordingly. It’s not like you just moved to this state. You were born and raised here. You never moved out of the state.
- “I didn’t have time to work on the bid until the day before and I was still working on it a couple of hours before closing date.” You knew about the bid for months. Plan better next time.
- “But she could have still taken the bid and put it with the others” – My answer: “It’s against the law and the rules for that particular bid contest and the employee cannot make an exception just because you are you.”
And there were more explanations as of why he was not in fault and why everything and everybody else caused him to miss a great business opportunity.
His marriage failed because his wife was too controlling and didn’t want to get mental treatment for her endless list of problems. Yes, that would be me. I’m a control freak. I have OCD. I have mental disorders. I have insecurities, My memory is failing me. I have trust issues. I spend money (I guess diapers are a waste.) I don’t let him spend time with our daughter, even when she lives under the same roof. (Actually, the laptop and the TV and the cell phone and his workouts and magazines and books are the ones not allowing him to spend time with our daughter. Or worse, our daughter could take him away from those.) I forced him to go to counseling because I was too difficult. (Just a side note: I didn’t know he had been going for counseling and he went to counseling because I needed to be changed and there was absolutely nothing wrong with him. As a matter of fact, it is normal for narcissists to dupe therapists and to make flying monkeys out of them since the spouse is not given an opportunity to defend him or herself and when the time comes, he or she is being cornered not just by the narc, but also by the therapist for most part since the therapist only knows one version of the story: The narc’s version.)
I have a few more examples, but these are probably the best. A narcissist will make excuses, finger-point, and blame left and right and they will never assume or take part of their responsibility for the problems they cause to themselves and those around them.