First time I heard about the grey rock method I thought that was a good tool that I needed to master. Unfortunately, I guess I’m a little bit of a hot-head due to my Italian gens. Therefore, sometimes I go from grey rock to red molten lava. It is actually hard for me to go and stay grey rock sometimes. Narcissists can really put you through the test.
Even before hearing about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) I realized that I needed to stop gratifying my husband. It was costing me a lot emotionally to keep up trying to inflate his ego. That’s how I felt. Add to that grey rock, he stopped getting his much-needed narcissistic supply from me. Therefore, he had to look for it in other areas.
What was the thing he had at hand in place of me? Our 2-year old daughter. So I was faced with two options: To keep providing him with his narcissistic supply at my own expense, or let him get it from our daughter. To answer that dilemma, I had to find a way to go grey rock and protect my daughter from him as much as I can. Thank goodness she’s still a toddler. Therefore, there’s so much he can get out from her. Nonetheless, he tries and, as our daughter grows, he will use her more and more and there’s not much I can do about it, no thanks to our court and legal systems that do not recognize emotional and psychological abuse as offenses.
Going back to the grey-rock topic, it seems to me that grey rock works better in younger relationships. By younger I mean less than a year old. These relationships may not have that much at stake. With longer-term relationships, such as marriages and especially those with children where there is so much more at stake, it can have some undesired consequences. Your children could pay the price of your going grey rock.
The narcissist cannot live without his supply. When you go grey rock, they lose that supply. Why? Because you become boring and narcissists cannot take boredom. They need drama in their lives. When drama doesn’t come to them, they create it. That’s why they do what they do: The gaslight, the lying, the cheating, and more. That way, they get their fix of drama.
When they cannot get it from you, they will discard you, look for new sources of supply, or both. When this happens, they will prey on the most vulnerable first. Children are more vulnerable for sure and that’s why they can become easy prey and the most immediate source of supply, readily at hand since they are under the same roof.
I’m not encouraging you to give up on the grey-rock method. I just want to make you aware that your actions in this regard will and could have unexpected consequences. Just be aware and take steps to protect your children the best you can.
By the way, be careful if you are forced to use grey rock long term. You may become so accustom to using it that you may end up using it even in other situations not involving your narc
I’ll close this short entry by recommending a 16-minute video by From Surviving To Thriving with examples and more information on this method.